I was talking to my dad last night about the word “intrepid”. Afterwards when I had gone to bed I stayed awake thinking about it.
Intrepid means; resolutely fearless; dauntless
I had just experienced this feeling and didn’t even realize it. In a normal situation, (I face several times a month), I confronted ghosts from my past!
Here’s what happened…
I am in line waiting. It was obvious by the volume of people in the Coffee shop, (not to mention her expression), the order taker had a long, very busy shift. I knew what I wanted and I knew they probably didn’t have it because it was too late. But I had a backup order in mind just in case that happened! Her demeanor made me nervous.
I need to give an order in a donut shop that doesn’t have the one thing I am allowed to have. The order taker isn’t impress, and as soon as I open my mouth I feel I’ve done something wrong because she sighs and purses her lips. Now, this is a difficult situation for me to be in. I usually give up and get the Large Iced Cappuccino and Boston cream as a meal deal with whatever sandwich I may order. But this time I didn’t.
My feelings were totally unfounded, but it was like the woman behind the counter didn’t want to serve another “fat” person. I know that wasn’t the truth, it’s just when you have dealt with that mentality all your life, you have to sometimes talk yourself out of what you think others are thinking. She just had a rush and wasn’t impressed with it! I just happened to be the person in front of her.
There were no bitter words, but all of a sudden for a split second, I felt in the deep recesses of my mind the memory of being taunted. At this moment, in a couple of seconds, I remembered the kids making a game out of running away from me. Running around the portables and trying to hide from me. The day I stopped playing the game it was like they didn’t get it. I suddenly realized what was going on and it hurt. How I began to get mouthy because I realized I was never going to fit in. I sort of understood, but still couldn’t get my mind around it. There was even a time I rejected to dance with the guy I had the biggest crush on, because I didn’t want someone feeling sorry for me. I didn’t understand why I had to be the different one.
Now my mind is back on the order, I got a little flustered, sure enough they didn’t have what I wanted. So I just ordered a sandwich, no chance to get a drink or donut or something I wasn’t supposed to have. I was so taken back by my own insecurities that I totally forgot to even order the sandwich properly, (I rarely take things how they come when ordering food).
Normally I would have talked to the person making it, but I was so unsure that I didn’t even do that. I couldn’t believe this random struggle that came out of nowhere! I just took the sandwich and picked the onions off myself. I had to endure the sauce.
I guess it just goes to show how ingrained some things can be. At some random time, to come out from nowhere and have you guessing at your own confidence in something as simple as ordering a sandwich from Tim Horton’s!
But I that does not mean I am that person again. It’s not just about me not choosing to go back when those thoughts come, but it is also about maturity. The ability to grow and go past those things. I’m not saying it was right or that it didn’t happen. These things helped to shape me. Turn me into the person I am today. Yes, it hurt like crazy at the time, but now I can look at other people and know how not to treat them. No matter how messed up they are or aren’t, (not sure if that’s really a word I should use….but you get the point)!
Through some of this stuff I have begun to find the intrepid me. We all have that fearless, dauntless person on the inside. The superhero. We dream that person triumphs all the time, but we rarely let them out of the cage we have created. Keeping our best selves in a cage for whatever reason.
I choose to let my best self out. To become dauntless in defending those who need a breathing space to heal and get their feet under them. To encourage them that feel beaten down by life. I have been there.
Now I go forward for a purpose, intrepidly.
serendipityfromopprobrium 